feelings are peculiar things. i dont know about others’, but mine are. they sway from one to the other with such ease that you don’t know what happens in the middle, and suddenly you get disgusted by your train of thoughts the moment before. like how the night turns pitch dark outside of the building when you get back from school, when you can swear the sun was there two seconds ago. the sad thing is i know all of them were real, and i wonder what good the contradictions could bring. because till now, having this makes me feel like being at the bottom of a swimming pool or whatever, and scream. just so the suffocation would match. just to prove that you can’t really drown without water, no matter how close it felt like inside of your lungs without it.

like having the desperate need to pack some books and energy bars and go to Nowhere and by the next milisecond nothing outside the blanket is safe enough to be. like acknowledging how bad you need that one person to be there regardless of your stupid egoistic ground rules and countless promises to yourself, and by the next systole of your heart you realize you couldn’t do it. because no matter how you look at it, it seems like in the end, all you are going to have, is yourself. and that sometimes you have to stand alone, just to make sure you still can.

and so it runs in a frightening, vicious, unstoppable, will-i-wont-i cycle youd do anything to cease.

Labels: i dont know enough words, im going to write anyway, its a free world, medicine rocks my world, trying to reason with myself